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Internal memo: Meet our new suite of A.I.-optimized losers and douche bags. Although they are fully agentic, we’re sure they will annoy you in all the ways you’re accustomed to.
Acme company announces the rollout of a new suite of A.I. tools to 'future-proof workflows.' These tools are personified as 'A.I.-optimized losers and douche bags' that are 'fully agentic' in their capacity to annoy employees. Immediate adoption is required for quarterly performance assessment.
A former crypto enthusiast and mushroom coffee brewer, James has reinvented himself as the 'Chief A.I. Growth Architect,' a role primarily focused on finding new methods to spam people using A.I.
Leveraging generative A.I. to enhance her personal brand as a 'female founder,' Tara crafts LinkedIn posts that blend personal anecdotes (like pet iguana preferences) with business insights, concluding that 'warmth' is the true differentiator, not efficiency.
Following a breakup, Matthias transformed into an 'A.I. Doomer,' frequently asserting in Slack messages that 'In eighteen months, none of this will matter.' His profile picture now features a crumbling statue.
Preston now openly discusses his poetry degree from Bard and spends company time writing sonnets, convinced they will become the primary currency of Earth post-capitalism.
This 'relentless self-explorer' feeds transcripts of his interactions with female colleagues into an A.I. agent, hoping to generate a strategy to 'get laid.' Despite generating substantial training data, he has achieved no success, with Emily identified as a particular 'brick wall.'
Formerly the office social secretary, Emily has outsourced all emotional labor to Large Language Models (LLMs). Her Slack messages, including birthday wishes and condolences, have become conspicuously bullet-pointed, suggesting A.I. generation.